Tuesday, April 1, 2008

General Assembly Announces Blogger Tax

Following is the exclusive transcript of the press conference called by Senate President Mike Miller.

Senate President Miller: Ladies and gentlemen of the press – the real press – I am announcing today a solution for the state’s financial crisis. Delegates Bill Frick and Kirill Reznik are introducing The Blogger Taxation Act of 2008. For too long, a growing group of rogue bloggers have been enriching themselves by impugning the integrity of your state’s noble public servants. It’s time that the people received a share of their ill-gotten gains!

Under the provisions of the bill, each blog post would be taxed $1,000. Any post mentioning a state legislator would be taxed $5,000. And any post that mentions me – well, don’t bother, because you don’t have the money!

Reporter: What about a companion bill in the Senate?

Senator Rich Madaleno: I will introduce the Senate version of the bill. It will of course be amended to exempt sitting office-holders.

Miller: I can’t stress enough what a high priority this is for the state. Your legislators work hard every day and these bloggers don’t understand that. Our folks get more emails than God, have to put up with crazy constituents at home and are forced to stay up until 2 in the morning listening to boring speeches by assembly leadership!

Reporter: But Mr. Miller, you are the Senate President.

Miller: Errr, well yes, strike that remark from the record. Anyway, support for the legislation is coming in faster than we can track it. Already, we have letters from the Montgomery County Democratic Central Committee, Montgomery County Executive Ike Leggett, Montgomery County Council Members Nancy Floreen, George Leventhal and Marc Elrich and famous television personalities Itchy & Scratchy complaining of defamation on these blogs. Even one of the bloggers themselves is calling for a halt to the nonsense! And poor Don Dwyer is still apologizing to his constituents after those bloggers caught him raising money for Dana Beyer!

[Unidentified delegate shouting from back]: Why are you blogging about the CARR bill? I’ve got five bills that are better. Where’s my blog coverage you little punks?!

Miller: Enough of that! These bloggers are getting rich – I mean, some of them live in Chevy Chase for heaven’s sake! It’s time for them to pay up!

[Just then, a stretch limo arrives with a license plate number of “CH CH 1.” Preceded by four tuxedo-wearing servants, world-famous blogger David Lublin steps out carrying his chihuahua, Muffitt.]

Lublin: This blogger tax is unfair, Mr. President! The Blogger.com fees are already killing me, my advertisers are asking for lower rates and now you want to tax me. I might have to move to Virginia! As it is, I can only afford to feed caviar to Muffitt three times a week. [Yap! Yap!] Look, you’re disturbing Muffitt! [Yap-yap! Yap!]

Miller: Now now, Muffitt, I meant no offense. [Kisses chihuahua on head] We certainly can’t have you rich people moving to Virginia. After all, we need the campaign contributions! So maybe we can work something out. But can you bloggers at least just tell the truth the way your public servants do?

No comments: